Life Advice: Parent Edition

[bowandarrow]

It's in the middle of the night. I have a 16 month year old in my arms -- another on the way. I am extremely blessed...but stressed.

Life couldn't be better, yet more challenging.

My journey as a PSU/NLWC fan was because of the F*N and the magic man, but I stayed because of the values and lessons taught by Cael & Co. in addition to the many members here. I don't participate often, but I read everyday.

Off topic, but I think Cael would approve: What advice can you give? I am struggling with work/life balance. I am in education --- I often feel I give more to others than my own...a feeling I suspect isn't unfamiliar...

I'd love to hear some advice, anecdotes, stories, etc. about the beautiful journey that is parenthood.

 

[PD4thespawn]

It's in the middle of the night. I have a 16 month year old in my arms -- another on the way. I am extremely blessed...but stressed.

Life couldn't be better, yet more challenging.

My journey as a PSU/NLWC fan was because of the F*N and the magic man, but I stayed because of the values and lessons taught by Cael & Co. in addition to the many members here. I don't participate often, but I read everyday.

Off topic, but I think Cael would approve: What advice can you give? I am struggling with work/life balance. I am in education --- I often feel I give more to others than my own...a feeling I suspect isn't unfamiliar...

I'd love to hear some advice, anecdotes, stories, etc. about the beautiful journey that is parenthood.

Let God do the heavy lifting, don't stress anything. The situation usually works it self out. Sleep on any major decision. Nothing is wrong with helping others just don't expect it in kind. Life is short, laugh with them. God created you and Cael. Do your best that is all you can do. Don't become a lawyer or a politician. Do as I say and not as I do.

 

[johnstownsteel]

I really need to put some thought into this before I give a proper reply. The type of thread that could not only help the op but also others here that may be struggling to hold everything together.

 

[Raw Daddy]

I have an 8 and 5 year old. I gave up being a company exec to go help people as a financial planner. My wife in education. Your stress comes from the constant needs of others. If you have aging parents it becomes a double whammy. It gets better, but it never goes away. I constantly feel the pressure of being the “man” and ultimatley responsible for everything.

My advice to young parents is to think about a complete idiot that had children and those children grew up healthy and productive people in society. Once you realize the natural world comes into play and you don’t dictate the terms, it takes some stress away. The truth is just create a stable loving environment and let nature play out.

 

[Aardvark86]

Reading your post reminds me of one of the great moments of my life - that sense that everything was right in the world the first time my newborn daughter fell asleep in my arms at night.

Your kids may give you the worst day of your life (mine did, by a long shot, as on the day I learned my daughter had a mild disability). But you get through it because that’s part of life too. I’m convinced we have a sort of built in evolutionary amnesiac for those sorts of days

But there is absolutely nothing better than sharing their joy when they succeed at something (as in the first equestrian dressage contest she won) or even when they simply find something they love (like my sons first hockey game where he let in 11 goals and came off the ice asking me “did you see that save I made?”

Kids are not pheasant under glass. Let them experience risk, otherwise they’ll never learn how to make risk reward decisions. And remind them that they’re something bigger out there than themselves - they’ll be happier for it.

 

[mcpat]

Choose family over work every time. And don’t beat yourself up about your mistakes; the biggest part of being a Dad is just being there.

 

[NittanyLion84]

Choose family over work every time. And don’t beat yourself up about your mistakes; the biggest part of being a Dad is just being there.

100% correct. I had a Dad that didn’t put 100% into his job, but more like 200%, because of him I learned early on what was actually important. I have 4 adult kids now and don’t get me wrong, put 100% into your job, but understand the cutoff point and live by it. Family is the top priority. I don’t think there’s ever been a person alive and on their death bed, wishing that they would have canceled a family event, on Saturday, to go into work or miss an award ceremony at their kid’s school, but every single one of them has always regretted missing the multiple family events that they missed over the years.

 

[Rip_E_2_Joe_PA]

Stress has no value in life and there is not a damn thing you can do about so much of life. Enjoy the good moments and let go of what you can't control.

 

[impalanut]

Raising kids is the most amazing, confounding, exhilirating, exhausting, marvelous thing there is. It is also the most important job you will ever have. In mulling over the past 35 years of parenthood I think the two best things I can relate is the following:

1- Give your kids self esteem. Do this by allowing them to make age appropriate decisions and stand by them. Respect them as much as you demand respect. Allow them to make mistakes, learn from them, and still have your support. A person with self esteem doesn't blindly follow the crowd, doesn't need to rebel for no reason, knows and does the right thing and resists peer pressure. This will give them the strength to deal with life's decisions, disappointments, responsibilities as well as the triumphs and successes.

2-Give yourself a break. You won't do everything right, it won't be easy, it won't always be fun. You deserve some time for yourself. If there are two parents, give each other a break. Don't believe everything you hear and see from other parents. Utilize tools to help you cope, answer questions, find new things. There is no shame in seeking professional help if needed. If you can't take care of yourself, you can't take care of your child.

 

[amattaro]

I remember when I had my first, she was a little over a year old, and I told my wife I can’t handle anymore. Seven years later, I have three. Everyone manages it, everyone struggles. Ignore the highlight reels others post on social media. They aren’t doing any better than you. If I can do it, anyone can!

 

[Creek Side]

Good advice is tricky sometimes because everyone is so different. What I found to level out my life was focusing on the things that I needed to do to make me my best self. In return I was a happier person which reflects in my relationships both personal and professional.

Figure out what the needs and expectations are in your life that you have for yourself. The important thing is to be honest and reasonable with yourself. I've found that when I demanded too much of myself it created unnecessary stress. You also need to consider the needs and expectations of those that depend on you and that mean the most to you.
Then try to find the balance in between because there is never a perfect balance, just making the adjustments in life as demands change. Don't let anyone continually demand things of you that are unreasonable.

It took me almost a decade to figure out that what I needed the most was more sleep for me to be my best self. My work schedule was so demanding and fluctuating that I was becoming a miserable person in my personal life. I realized at work that I didn't have to be the guy to shoulder the majority of the responsibility. The only reason others didn't do it is because I always was. Once I backed off at work (I'm still an overachiever) and got more of a balanced sleep schedule, all my other problems seemed to not really be much of an issue. Life became easier to handle even when the problems continue to pop up.

Now I'm just rambling on but I'm sure others will have a little more sophisticated bits of wisdom than this but I hope it helps in some way.

PS... always always always make time for PSU Wrestling! Its so much FUN!

 

[PSU Mike]

Sometimes it takes a little re-wiring of yourself to make all the pieces fit. I’m not a perfect dad to my 9 year old, but at every turn I stay committed to not be “one of those dads” that’s always looking to get a pass on family duties. I found that once I said I’m just going to have limited me time it kind of relieved me of the burden of deciding. Then the times I get some space, I really savor that time.

I guess what I’m saying is, see if you can’t lock down a commitment level to one or two aspects of your life, and just give what’s left to the remaining. I think it’s the constant balancing act - painfully weighing options at every turn - that gets to be exhausting.

 

[nerfstate]

I'll dump my random advice into the ether as well. You grow almost as much as a parent as you do as a child. Embrace the grind (of growth), and seek truth with humility, recognizing that a child is both a mirror and the ultimate teacher. Choose family over any other external pressure. Learn what you need to have the energy and motivation to keep doing it all, and make sure those things also have a higher priority than work and other demands. You get to have your kids in your home for such a short, short time. Make the most of it.

 

[KCLion]

This may sound trite, but my wife stresses over everything and everybody. I tell her that you really should not have stress in your life - if you are stressing over something that you can control or handle, take care of it . . . But if you are stressing over something for which you have no control, you are wasting time and energy. Pray on it and it will work out (not always the way you want, but it works itself out).

PS - I’ve never had children, so there is that to consider.

 

[bowandarrow]

Thanks all! These are awesome to read!

 

[Idahopennstatefan]

My grandkids are about the age of yours. So I'm an old guy. Things I learned as a parent.
1) Don't live your dreams through your kids. Do support and encourage them to chase their dreams. If a dream isn't a big scary it isn't big enough.
2) give kids meaningful responsibility and hold them accountable to the completion.
3) spend time with them. Sometimes it is taking them along with you. My baby now 20 said some of her favorite memories were getting in the truck and driving to the hardware store. Yes it takes longer but have them "help" from a young age.
4) read to them. We read books from all genres and eras. My kids were in their teens and wanted Dad to read out loud to them. 4 kids on the couch and we read Jack London, Steinbeck, Hemingway, Wilson Rawls, Louis L'Amour. We read poetry from Frost, Whitman, Shel Silverstein, even some baxter Black and Waddie Mitchell. It wasn't what we read as much as the time spent doing it.

 

[Love the lions]

The first (and most important) step is that you have concluded that you want/have to change. If that is genuine, you will find the solutions that work for you.

Never hesitate to bring others into your search. We’ve all been there. Sometimes talking about our dreams and fears, wants and frustrations with people that care about you can be liberating. You can see that in the caring responses of those that are on this post. You are not alone. We are not alone.

 

[District four]

Don't sweat the small stuff and it's all small stuff. I agree with the post above let God do the heavy lifting. I raised twin daughters early on as a single dad while attending Bucknell full time and working full time. It was difficult but looking at my daughter's all grown up today it was well worth the effort.

 

[Agoodnap]

The best advice I can give is to "only fight the battles that are worth fighting and to realize that very few battles are actually worth fighting".

As a parent, your children will make many mistakes and do many things you don't want them to do but very, very few of these things are important. Very, very few... For example, attempting to keep your house from being messy with little ones around makes everyone miserable.

At work, not everything needs to be addressed and completed. Choose those things that are actually important and apologize, without guilt, for the many things that go unaddressed. You'll find that you accomplish more with this strategy.

In your marriage, the above is self-explanatory.

Oh, one more thing as a parent. All parents love their children as you will, but you need to like your children. If you like them they will never be a burden and you'll want to be around them and they will sense this and want to be around you. This last bit may seem trivial, but if you listen to others with children you'll quickly realize that very few parents actually like their children.

 

[98lberEating2Lunches]

No one, parent or not, is born with infinite time. Everyone is born with the capacity for infinite love. Focus on leveraging the latter with the time you have.

 

[OzarkLion]

The best advice I can give is that to "only fight the battles that are worth fighting and to realize that very few battles are actually worth fighting".

...

Oh, one more thing as a parent. All parents love their children as you will, but you need to like your children. If you like them they will never be a burden and you'll want to be around them and they will sense this and want to be around you. This last bit may seem trivial, but if you listen to others with children you'll quickly realize that very few parents actually like their children.

Thanks for sharing this advice. The picking battles thing has been a weak spot for me. I have been blessed with good kids and I think I sometimes forget that when up against "teenager attitude." And sometimes, it makes me not "like" them in the moment. I love them unconditionally, but sometimes I lose sight of that.

This thread has been really good stuff. THIS is the important stuff that doesn't get talked about enough. The feelings like you're screwing it all up, only to be told by outsiders that your kids are a pleasure to have around. Thanks, guys!

 

[Centuar94]

You start off thinking your kid will be just like you but better at everything. Then you realize they have their own interests and personality. Be around as much as you can, support them as much as possible. Sometimes they need a hug and sometimes a kick in the ass. Good luck, great times are in your future.

 

[zzs006]

Choose family over work every time. And don’t beat yourself up about your mistakes; the biggest part of being a Dad is just being there.

I think this is great advice. I think the biggest thing is just being present. Come home from work and put that part of you away and be there and present for your kids. I’m a single father and have my child full time. I cook us dinner every night and we just sit and talk. It’s not a huge amount of time but I try to show that when we are together he is what matters. I also say pick and choose your battles. My kid has crazy hair that is always a different color which is something I wasn’t allowed to do growing up but to me there were more important things to hold my ground on. Pick what matters to you while still allowing them some choice and individuality. Being a parent is challenging but by far the best thing I’ve ever done as well

 

[amattaro]

My 8 year old isn’t feeling well today. Ended up barfing her in n out. While standing at toilet she said “now my delicious burger is gone.” They have their own ways of telling you that you are raising them right. #GTFOHWhataburger

 

[District four]

The best advice I can give is that to "only fight the battles that are worth fighting and to realize that very few battles are actually worth fighting".

As a parent, your children will make many mistakes and do many things you don't want them to do but very, very few of these things are important. Very, very few... For example, attempting to keep your house from being messy with little ones around makes everyone miserable.

At work, not everything needs to be addressed and completed. Choose those things that are actually important and apologize, without guilt, for the many things that go unaddressed. You'll find that you accomplish more with this strategy.

In your marriage, the above is self-explanatory.

Oh, one more thing as a parent. All parents love their children as you will, but you need to like your children. If you like them they will never be a burden and you'll want to be around them and they will sense this and want to be around you. This last bit may seem trivial, but if you listen to others with children you'll quickly realize that very few parents actually like their children.

Very well said sir I agree whole heartedly

 

[SWPA]

Faith is the most important thing in my life and I make sure my kids know it. My kids are tied for second (with my wife) and I make sure they know how important they are to me. If you aren't teaching your kids something daily and you don't learn something from them daily, then you are missing out on a big part of parenting. All kids respond to life and everything that goes along with it differently. If you have more than one child (and even if you don't,) let them know that. Find out what works best for each one and love/discipline accordingly.

As far as work goes, I am blessed to be able to forget about my place of employment the minute I leave and I don't think about it until I return the next work day. This really allows me to have a better relationship with my children. Giving them my full attention is something that I am truly grateful to be able to do. They can be a handful at times but I would never tell them that and I do my best to not let them see me stressed. It helps that I live a very stress free life. Hopefully all our kids turn out better than we could have ever imagined, but at the end of the day, if they know we love them then that is all that matters.

 

[bowandarrow]

Bump.

I have two sons now. 2 and half and 10 months.

What a blessing

Today my eldest son, as we were walking up the steps to his day care, said “oh no!…”

And then had an exorcism on the front lawn. It was a day drinking like front lawn puke. Everywhere.

But, He didn’t puke like he’s done in the car a few times before, progress.

As a fan from Chicago. This team is the one team that brings me joy. My little man and I watched PSU vs. Iowa tonight. And then needed a Gable wrap as his new pastime is head butting me for the lolz….

I look at this thread often with gratitude. Who has it better than me? No one.

Fatherhood has taken me away from the board but I always come back to this thread with gratitude.

Thank you all for taking care of me in a time of need.

 

[District four]

I raised identical twin daughters while being in school full time and working full time. It is extremely difficult to find a balance and I had to learn to be true to myself. Self-discipline really helped with keeping me focused and on point. Seeking the truth in everything I do helped me check my motivations when it came to others. The balance will come. Looking back I wish I had more time or I spent more time doing this or that with my daughters but that isn't how it works. I did the best I could one day at a time and God took care of the rest. Welcome to most interesting time of your life this part is easy wait til they are teenagers lmfao

 

[millerjs32]

I raised identical twin daughters while being in school full time and working full time. It is extremely difficult to find a balance and I had to learn to be true to myself. Self-discipline really helped with keeping me focused and on point. Seeking the truth in everything I do helped me check my motivations when it came to others. The balance will come. Looking back I wish I had more time or I spent more time doing this or that with my daughters but that isn't how it works. I did the best I could one day at a time and God took care of the rest. Welcome to most interesting time of your life this part is easy wait til they are teenagers lmfao

What year did you graduate from BU?

 

[District four]

What year did you graduate from BU?

2004

 

[millerjs32]

2004

Young'n! 1982 for me.

 

[Aardvark86]

Since this has resurfaced, and I discovered the “abc’s for a college freshman” that I wrote for my son while cleaning my office, and you’ll need it sooner than you think, an abbreviated version:
A - attend. attend classes
B - better. Make yourself one day better each day
C - clock. It’ll tell you where you should, and shouldn’t, be
D - drama. Avoid drama queens and do your job
E- embarrassment. Don’t be afraid to do something that makes you look foolish.
F -for. Always be for something, not simply against it, and understand why
G - girls. Respect them and you’ll know the right one.
H - health. Be smart about it.
I - intramural. Play them.
J - joy. Be happy because college is some of the best time of your life
K - kool aid. Don’t drink anything you don’t know what’s in it.
L - lectures. Attend one each semester you think you have no interest in.
M -mass. Go to church.
N - November 9. Your moms birthday
O - open. Be open to new ideas
P - phone. Call home it’s cheaper than when I went to school.
Q - questions. Ask lots especially hard ones of yourself.
R - roommate. Learn to get slong with others
S - salad. Man does not live by burgers alone
T - truth. Be honest in all things because it’s like running water and finds a way out
U - ugly babies. Recognize that People hold strong and irrational opinions, and that if you want to test that tell someone their baby is ugly
V - Virginia. Get off campus in the most beautiful state in the east
W - wash. Don’t wear underwear inside out
X - X-ray. Don’t irradiate yourself in engineering lab
Y - yelling. Yellers tend to have the least to say
Z - zzzz. Get your sleep.

 

[86PSUPaul]

Since this has resurfaced, and I discovered the “abc’s for a college freshman” that I wrote for my son while cleaning my office, and you’ll need it sooner than you think, an abbreviated version:
A - attend. attend classes
B - better. Make yourself one day better each day
C - clock. It’ll tell you where you should, and shouldn’t, be
D - drama. Avoid drama queens and do your job
E- embarrassment. Don’t be afraid to do something that makes you look foolish.
F -for. Always be for something, not simply against it, and understand why
G - girls. Respect them and you’ll know the right one.
H - health. Be smart about it.
I - intramural. Play them.
J - joy. Be happy because college is some of the best time of your life
K - kool aid. Don’t drink anything you don’t know what’s in it.
L - lectures. Attend one each semester you think you have no interest in.
M -mass. Go to church.
N - November 9. Your moms birthday
O - open. Be open to new ideas
P - phone. Call home it’s cheaper than when I went to school.
Q - questions. Ask lots especially hard ones of yourself.
R - roommate. Learn to get slong with others
S - salad. Man does not live by burgers alone
T - truth. Be honest in all things because it’s like running water and finds a way out
U - ugly babies. Recognize that People hold strong and irrational opinions, and that if you want to test that tell someone their baby is ugly
V - Virginia. Get off campus in the most beautiful state in the east
W - wash. Don’t wear underwear inside out
X - X-ray. Don’t irradiate yourself in engineering lab
Y - yelling. Tellers tend to have the least to say
Z - zzzz. Get your sleep.

Great rules, but I would have had to swap N for M because my wife’s birthday is in May.

I did young man rules once. I should look for them. They are somewhere.

 

[District four]

Young'n! 1982 for me.

Technically I was a non traditional student so I'm a little older lol.

 

[El-Jefe]

I really need to put some thought into this before I give a proper reply. The type of thread that could not only help the op but also others here that may be struggling to hold everything together.

No you don't. The correct answer is to call Gabe Arnold's dad. His phone number is on GIA.

 

[Pitchfork Rebel]

It's in the middle of the night. I have a 16 month year old in my arms -- another on the way. I am extremely blessed...but stressed.

Life couldn't be better, yet more challenging.

My journey as a PSU/NLWC fan was because of the F*N and the magic man, but I stayed because of the values and lessons taught by Cael & Co. in addition to the many members here. I don't participate often, but I read everyday.

Off topic, but I think Cael would approve: What advice can you give? I am struggling with work/life balance. I am in education --- I often feel I give more to others than my own...a feeling I suspect isn't unfamiliar...

I'd love to hear some advice, anecdotes, stories, etc. about the beautiful journey that is parenthood.

First of all what do mean by you are "in education" are you are teacher or in administration? your position and where you practice it might be why you are feeling stressed.

I have found that the most important thing in life is resilience and agility rather than any secret sauce. That cooing 16 month old will be waiting for the bus in the blink of a eye and two more blinks will be testing your last nerve, demanding a phone, a car, complete liberty.

@Aarvark86: Add to your rule G (completely off topic: Rule G is the no booze rule in a commonly used railroad rule book), Respect the girls is good, but respect yourself and seek out the girls that respect themselves. People that don't respect themselves can't respect others.

Post Script: Sending this to my niece; even though her frosh year was last year and late mother's birthday was different.

 

[millerjs32]

Technically I was a non traditional student so I'm a little older lol.

Always a BISON!

 

[WildTurk]

Since this has resurfaced, and I discovered the “abc’s for a college freshman” that I wrote for my son while cleaning my office, and you’ll need it sooner than you think, an abbreviated version:
A - attend. attend classes
B - better. Make yourself one day better each day
C - clock. It’ll tell you where you should, and shouldn’t, be
D - drama. Avoid drama queens and do your job
E- embarrassment. Don’t be afraid to do something that makes you look foolish.
F -for. Always be for something, not simply against it, and understand why
G - girls. Respect them and you’ll know the right one.
H - health. Be smart about it.
I - intramural. Play them.
J - joy. Be happy because college is some of the best time of your life
K - kool aid. Don’t drink anything you don’t know what’s in it.
L - lectures. Attend one each semester you think you have no interest in.
M -mass. Go to church.
N - November 9. Your moms birthday
O - open. Be open to new ideas
P - phone. Call home it’s cheaper than when I went to school.
Q - questions. Ask lots especially hard ones of yourself.
R - roommate. Learn to get slong with others
S - salad. Man does not live by burgers alone
T - truth. Be honest in all things because it’s like running water and finds a way out
U - ugly babies. Recognize that People hold strong and irrational opinions, and that if you want to test that tell someone their baby is ugly
V - Virginia. Get off campus in the most beautiful state in the east
W - wash. Don’t wear underwear inside out
X - X-ray. Don’t irradiate yourself in engineering lab
Y - yelling. Yellers tend to have the least to say
Z - zzzz. Get your sleep.

Good list. Just a couple notes.

M- Mass -Skip church. If you believe in God, keep that relationship personal with your God. Don't press your religion on anyone including your kids. Don't get indoctrinated into a corrupt society of brainwashed "People of God"

R-roomate ‐I slonged my roommate once. She stopped paying her half of the bills after. Beware of that.

S-Salad- Salads are overated. There are many ways of eating healthy without forced digestion of large amounts of lettuce.

U- Ugly Babies- Interesting choice. I understand your meaning however.

5 year olds will call a baby ugly and won't feel bad because they are not lying. Adults are trained to lie to people to avoid hurting them. My 5 year old is more honest than most everyone I know. It's refreshing and disturbing.

Some of my favorite U words-
Unmitigated
Unassuming
Unflappable
Ubiquitous
Unconditional
Utopia

Good list for college kids. Thanks for sharing!

 

[Pitchfork Rebel]

Good list. Just a couple notes.

M- Mass -Skip church. If you believe in God, keep that relationship personal with your God. Don't press your religion on anyone including your kids. Don't get indoctrinated into a corrupt society of brainwashed "People of God"

R-roomate ‐I slonged my roommate once. She stopped paying her half of the bills after. Beware of that.

S-Salad- Salads are overated. There are many ways of eating healthy without forced digestion of large amounts of lettuce.

U- Ugly Babies- Interesting choice. I understand your meaning however.

5 year olds will call a baby ugly and won't feel bad because they are not lying. Adults are trained to lie to people to avoid hurting them. My 5 year old is more honest than most everyone I know. It's refreshing and disturbing.

Some of my favorite U words-
Unmitigated
Unassuming
Unflappable
Ubiquitous
Unconditional
Utopia

Good list for college kids. Thanks for sharing!

Once at a meeting of physicists; Paul Dirac engaged in a self-indulgent atheistic rant. Another attendee, Wolfgang Pauli summarized Dirac's position.

"There is no God and Dirac is His prophet"​

Don't be a Dirac.

Besides, if your deportment here is any indication of your conduct in person, you should be an enthusiastic supporter of religion since certain proscriptions (say the fifth or six commandment, depending on your listing) have certainly been the only thing between you and your demise.

 

[Callthestall]

Enjoy the subtle times around your children. Teach them your values and constantly adapt to their maturation. The social platforms and issues will make parenthood more difficult for you than what a lot of us dealt with. Do not waver on teaching your children responsibilities and consequences when needed. A child will grow to understand that you truly cared about them during those times. The worst a child can feel is that you didn't care as a parent.