Monday joke

[brupsu]

Duck hunter invites another guy to see his incredible dog in action.They stop a few hundred feet from a pond and the Hunter lets the dog loose.
Off it goes bounding towards the pond.It comes back shortly with four sticks in its mouth shaking them around and dropping them at the hunters feet.
That means there are four ducks on that pond says the Hunter.
I call bull says the guy.
They sneak up to the pond and sure as heck there are four ducks.This is repeated a few times and the guy tells the Hunter he has to have this dog.They haggle and come to an agreement and the next weekend the guy invites a few clients to watch this wonder dog.
The guy releases the dog and off it goes.An hour passes and no dog.He whistles and whistles and no dog.
Finally they start after it.They then hear a loud dragging noise and into the clearing comes the dog dragging a huge tree limb.He drops it at the guys feet and then starts to hump him.
The dog continues to grab the limb and then humps the guy.
Embarrassed by the dogs behavior he calls the Hunter and demands his money back.After the guy explains the dogs irrational behavior the Hunter just laughs and explains that the guy totally misunderstood the dogs message.
He tells the guy that the dogs meaning was There were more f..ing ducks then you can shake a stick at

 

[psuro]

A young lady finds out her 94 year old grandfather passed away. She goes to visit her 92 year old grandmother and asks "Grandma, how did this happen?"

Grandma says "Well, it was a Sunday morning, and we were having sex. We used the church bells for rhythym. In with a gong, out with a gong, in with a gong, out with a gong. And, it was all going well. Until that damn ice cream truck drove by".

 

[fairgambit]

New lockdown rules in England mean that on Monday groups of up to six can meet. Six of the Seven Dwarves are arranging to meet up.

One of them isn’t Happy.

 

[CattyGuy51]

Two blonds are walking down the opposite side of a river. One yells to the other, " How do I get to the other side?" The other one yells back, "You are on the other side."

 

[psuro]

A husband and wife were discussing their marriage.

The husband said -I think I have made you happy more times than sad.

The wife says -I can make you happy and sad at the same time

The husband says -how?

The wife says-Based on what I know of you and your four brothers -you have the second largest penis

 

[JonZ]

Do you like women with long legs or short legs, or something in between?

 

[PaJules]

For 67 years I tried to understand the deep divide between Republicans and Democrats. Today I learned that a group of baboons is called a "congress". I think I'm getting a grasp of the situation now.

 

[AWS1022]

What do blondes and the coronavirus have in common? They’re easy to get and they spread quickly.

 

[CF LION]

What’s brown and sticky?









A stick.

 

[ericstratton-rushchairman]

What’s brown and sticky?









A stick.

One of my all time favorite grandfather jokes

 

[Bertway0]

What's orange and sound's like a parrot.

A carrot.

What's the worst thing a woman can hear after blowing Willie Nelson?


" I'm not Willie Nelson".....

 

[Player2BNamedL8r]

What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.

Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.

A guy is sitting at the doctor's office. The doctor walks in and says, "I have some bad news. I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating." "I don't understand, doc," the patient says. "Why?" "Because," the doctor says. "I'm trying to examine you."

A family was driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumped against the windshield. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry, dear. That was just an insect." "Wow," the boy replies. "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"

How is life like toilet paper? You're either on a roll or taking shit from someone.

When is it okay to beat up a dwarf? When he's standing next to your girlfriend and telling her that her hair smells nice.

 

[Thus Spoke Mainer]

A guy moves from Brooklyn to Alabama. Calls his father after a couple of weeks and says, "Pop, I'm marrying a Southern girl" The father says "are you crazy? Southern girls can't cook, can't keep house, won't have sex with you, and not only that .... as soon as you have your first fight .... she'll call you a Jew Bastard" A couple of weeks after the wedding he calls his father and says "Pop, you were wrong, she can cook, she can keep house, and loves to have sex" The father says "what about the other thing we talked about?" The son says "well we have pact, she won't call me a Jew Bastard if I don't call her a Schvatza"

 

[psuaxe70]

What’s red and green and goes 100 miles per hour?

Two frogs in a blender.