I'm bored- tell me a story
- Thread starter Nitt1300
- Start date
Here's my story and I'm sticking to it
My name is Ishmael. Or is it Fishmeal? I forget. My mom threw out that Mad Magazine after I left for college.
I was going to do "well this here's a story about a man named Jed, a poor mountaineer barely kept his family fed . . ." I guess i'm sicker than I thought.
I drive past Limerick, PA once or twice a year. Every time, I start saying “there once was a man from Nantucket” in my head and giggle. I’m 43 years old. Will I hit a point in my life where I’m mature enough that I grow out of it?
There once was a man named Bill,
Who took an atomic pill
His navel corroded
His asshole exploded
And they found his nuts in Brazil.
Who took an atomic pill
His navel corroded
His asshole exploded
And they found his nuts in Brazil.
A sperm faced his moment of truth,
But alas and alack and forsooth!
He'd expected to fall
On a womb's spongy wall
But was dashed to his death on a tooth.
But alas and alack and forsooth!
He'd expected to fall
On a womb's spongy wall
But was dashed to his death on a tooth.
I’ll give you a clue...one of my proudest moments in life was Valby telling me “that’s your wife? you’re doing pretty f$&?ing good for yourself” after talking to him in a bar parking lot in South Jersey at about 1:30am in the fall of 2010. Really felt like it was validation of my life!
Another thing to miss about my college days...some of the great shows he did at Players. Used to plan trips to see my family in Binghamton around his schedule. Haven’t seen him in about 7-8 years though.
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My favorite Valby was always...
There once was a man from Sydney
He got an end up to her kidney
But a man from Quebec
Got it up to her neck
He had a big one, didn’t he
People say the same thing about me because I don't like country music....
whaddyagonnado?
WWII- I assumed you were talking about Gallipoli (which incidentally, was probably far more the fault of Kitchener than of Churchill)
Ok kind of football related a little old and keeping it way short. Am only thinking of this because my sister just sent the 247 story via text.
long ago trip to Myrtle Beach with at least 4 car loads of friends we arrive check into room and r excited to get the games underway. open the trunk to retrieve our gear and low and behold one of extra gas cans we traveled with some how had opened and all clothing was ruined. Old memory here I think this is where the idea came into play to rent a cj jeep for a couple hours. so with no clean clothes to impress the chicks cruising on Ocean Blvd. Someone suggested Togas. Well with clean sheets from the room off we went. two of us were normal sized humans while other 2 were rather large. Quite the site that night. super short of this story one of large individuals jumped out of jeep mid ride on the Blvd. when some girls in a car traveling other way took a liking to these young yankees. Big no no and police immediately on seen to take him away toga and all. Officer gave us a card with address and time we can pick him up. bunch of stories in-between that point and end of night when we retrieved our lost sole. 3 of us procured clothing from non gas tainted travel bags and went down town to pick him up. Dude opened door to holding cells and there he was largest person in building just sitting there in Toga. Other inmates who were coherent couldn't stop laughing. The other large individual who kept his cool this whole night and did not go to jail was in regular clothes laughing his ass of was our own early 80's guard Dick Maginnis.
Uhhhh, no. At some point, you start yelling it to embarrass your grandchildren.
Hows about we just accept that people are different and enjoy the difference. The French have some kinda saying bout it.......
Or you could donate it to your favorite political party. Then it’ll definitely stay in the USA!Here ya go Nitt1300........
Subject: Tax advice
Q: What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
A: It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q: Where will the government get this money?
A: From taxpayers.
Q: So the government is giving me back my own money?
A: Only a smidgen of it.
Q: What is the purpose of this payment?
A: The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high definition television set, a new iPad, or a new SUV, thus stimulating the economy.
Q: Isn’t that stimulating the economy of China ?
A: Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U. S. Economy with and your stimulus check wisely:
* If you spend the stimulus money at Walmart the money will go to China or Sri Lanka.
* if you spend it on gasoline, your money goes to the Arabs.
* if you purchase a computer, it goes to India, Taiwan or China.
* if you purchase fruits and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala.
* if you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.
* if you purchase useless stuff, it goes to Taiwan.
* if you pay your credit card off, or buy stock, it will go to the management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead keep the money in America by:
(1) Spending it at a yard sale, or
(2) Go to a ballgame, or
(3) Spend it on prostitutes, or
(4) Beer, or
(5) Tattoos
(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S.)
CONCLUSION: Go to a ballgame with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day. No need to thank me, I’m just glad I could be of help.
Your friendly tax accountant
Stormin
Posted this tidbit a few yrs ago, always thought it to be funny:
Who says men and women are different!?!?? Read on.
Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" offered by an English professor from the University of Colorado for an actual class assignment:
The professor told his class: "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."
The following was actually turned in by two of his English students:
Rebecca (RED)
Bill (BLUE).
THE STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
(second paragraph by Bill )
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her.
"Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
( Bill )
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dimwitted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.
(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.
( Bill )
Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium."
Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F---ING TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I'm such an air headed bimbo
who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!"
(Rebecca)
A$$h@le.
( Bill )
B*tch!
(Rebecca)
F*** YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!
( Bill )
In your dreams, Ho. Go drink some tea.
(TEACHER)
A+ - I really liked this one.
Who says men and women are different!?!?? Read on.
Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" offered by an English professor from the University of Colorado for an actual class assignment:
The professor told his class: "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."
The following was actually turned in by two of his English students:
Rebecca (RED)
Bill (BLUE).
THE STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
(second paragraph by Bill )
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her.
"Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
( Bill )
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dimwitted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.
(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.
( Bill )
Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium."
Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F---ING TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I'm such an air headed bimbo
who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!"
(Rebecca)
A$$h@le.
( Bill )
B*tch!
(Rebecca)
F*** YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!
( Bill )
In your dreams, Ho. Go drink some tea.
(TEACHER)
A+ - I really liked this one.
Now here's a little story I gots to tell
about three bad brothers you know so well.
It started way back in history with Adrock, MCA and me, Mike D.
Been had a little horsey named Paul Revere.
Just me and my horsey and a quart of beer.
Ridin' cross the land, kickin' up sand.
Sheriff's posses on my tail cuz I'm in demand.
One lonely Beastie I be
all by myself without nobody.
The sun is beatin' down on my baseball hat.
The air is gettin' hot, the beer is gettin' flat.
Lookin' for a girl, I ran into a guy.
His name is MCA, I said "howdy", he said "hi."
He told a little story that sounded well rehearsed.
Four days on the run and that he's dying of thirst.
The brew was in my hand, and he was on my tip.
His voice was hoarse, his throat was dry, he asked me for a sip.
He said "Can I get some?"
I said "You can't get none."
I had a chance to run
pulled out his shotgun.
Quick on the draw, I thought I'd be dead.
He put the gun to my head and this is what he said:
"Now my name is MCA, I got a license to kill.
I think you know what time it is, it's time to get ill.
So what do we have here?
An outlaw and his beer.
I run this land, you understand, I've made myself clear."
We stepped into the wind, he had a gun, I had a grin.
You think this story's over, but it's ready to begin.
Now I've got the gun, you've got the brew.
You've got two choices of what you can do.
It's not a tough decision as you can see.
I can blow you away or you can ride with me."
I said, "I'll ride with you if you can get me to the border.
The Sheriff's after me for what I did to his daughter.
I did it like this, I did it like that.
I did it with the whiffle ball bat.
So I'm on the run, the cop's got my gun.
And right about now it's time to have some fun.
The King Adrock, that is my name
and I know the fly spot where they got the champagne."
We rode for six hours then we hit the spot.
The beat was-a-bumpin' and the girlies was hot.
This dude was starin' like he knows who we are
we took the empty spot next to him at the bar.
MCA said "Yippe-Yo, you know this kid?"
I said I didn't but I know he did.
The kid said, "Get ready, cuz this ain't funny.
My name is Mike D and I'm bout to get money."
Pulled out the jammey, aimed it at the sky.
He yelled, "Stick 'em up!" And let two fly.
Hands went up and people hit the floor.
He wasted two kids that ran for the door.
"I'm Mike D and I get respect.
Your cash and your jewelry is what I expect."
MCA was with it, and he's my ace
so I grabbed the piano player and punched him in the face.
The piano player's out, the music stopped.
His boy had beef, and he got dropped.
Mike D grabbed the money, MCA snatched the gold.
I grabbed two girlies and a beer that's cold.
about three bad brothers you know so well.
It started way back in history with Adrock, MCA and me, Mike D.
Been had a little horsey named Paul Revere.
Just me and my horsey and a quart of beer.
Ridin' cross the land, kickin' up sand.
Sheriff's posses on my tail cuz I'm in demand.
One lonely Beastie I be
all by myself without nobody.
The sun is beatin' down on my baseball hat.
The air is gettin' hot, the beer is gettin' flat.
Lookin' for a girl, I ran into a guy.
His name is MCA, I said "howdy", he said "hi."
He told a little story that sounded well rehearsed.
Four days on the run and that he's dying of thirst.
The brew was in my hand, and he was on my tip.
His voice was hoarse, his throat was dry, he asked me for a sip.
He said "Can I get some?"
I said "You can't get none."
I had a chance to run
pulled out his shotgun.
Quick on the draw, I thought I'd be dead.
He put the gun to my head and this is what he said:
"Now my name is MCA, I got a license to kill.
I think you know what time it is, it's time to get ill.
So what do we have here?
An outlaw and his beer.
I run this land, you understand, I've made myself clear."
We stepped into the wind, he had a gun, I had a grin.
You think this story's over, but it's ready to begin.
Now I've got the gun, you've got the brew.
You've got two choices of what you can do.
It's not a tough decision as you can see.
I can blow you away or you can ride with me."
I said, "I'll ride with you if you can get me to the border.
The Sheriff's after me for what I did to his daughter.
I did it like this, I did it like that.
I did it with the whiffle ball bat.
So I'm on the run, the cop's got my gun.
And right about now it's time to have some fun.
The King Adrock, that is my name
and I know the fly spot where they got the champagne."
We rode for six hours then we hit the spot.
The beat was-a-bumpin' and the girlies was hot.
This dude was starin' like he knows who we are
we took the empty spot next to him at the bar.
MCA said "Yippe-Yo, you know this kid?"
I said I didn't but I know he did.
The kid said, "Get ready, cuz this ain't funny.
My name is Mike D and I'm bout to get money."
Pulled out the jammey, aimed it at the sky.
He yelled, "Stick 'em up!" And let two fly.
Hands went up and people hit the floor.
He wasted two kids that ran for the door.
"I'm Mike D and I get respect.
Your cash and your jewelry is what I expect."
MCA was with it, and he's my ace
so I grabbed the piano player and punched him in the face.
The piano player's out, the music stopped.
His boy had beef, and he got dropped.
Mike D grabbed the money, MCA snatched the gold.
I grabbed two girlies and a beer that's cold.
A Polish guy moves to the US and qualifies for his citizenship. But everytime he goes and takes the test, he fails. So, after several tries, the immigration officer feels bad and tells him he will give the Polish guy a simplified test. "I'll name a holiday celebrated in American and if you can describe it, you be a citizen!" Great says the Polish guy.
"Labor Day?" "Oh yes, that is the day Americans shoot off fireworks and celebrate their independence from England." "No, let's try again" says the officer.
"Memorial Day?" "Oh yes, that is the day Americans dress up in green, drink green beer and pretend they are Irish!" No says the officer. "you cannot be a citizen because you are too dumb". "No wait, one more try...please!" "OK, one more" says the officer.
"Easter?" "Oh yes, I know this one" says the Polish guy. "Before easter, they crucify Jesus and put his body in a big hole in the ground. On Easter Sunday he comes out of the hole and is risen..." "Yes, YES...you are an American Citizen!" exclaims the officer. "No wait", says the Polish guy "let me finish...if Jesus sees his shadow we get six more weeks of winter."
"Labor Day?" "Oh yes, that is the day Americans shoot off fireworks and celebrate their independence from England." "No, let's try again" says the officer.
"Memorial Day?" "Oh yes, that is the day Americans dress up in green, drink green beer and pretend they are Irish!" No says the officer. "you cannot be a citizen because you are too dumb". "No wait, one more try...please!" "OK, one more" says the officer.
"Easter?" "Oh yes, I know this one" says the Polish guy. "Before easter, they crucify Jesus and put his body in a big hole in the ground. On Easter Sunday he comes out of the hole and is risen..." "Yes, YES...you are an American Citizen!" exclaims the officer. "No wait", says the Polish guy "let me finish...if Jesus sees his shadow we get six more weeks of winter."
I came home and found my wife in bed with my best friend. I said to him "Lenny I HAVE to, but YOU???"
A Mexican, an African American, a Jew, and a KKK member come across a magic lamp. A Genie comes out and says, “Thank you for releasing me. For that each of you gets a wish granted.”
The Mexican says, “I would like to return to Mexico and live in peace and prosperity with my people.” Poof, he disappears and his wish is granted.
The African American says, “I would like to return to Africa and live in peace and prosperity with my people.” Poof, he disappears and his wish is granted.
The Jew says, “I would like to return to Israel and live in peace and prosperity with my people.” Poof, he disappears and his wish is granted.
The KKK member, having seen what happened, looks at the Genie and says, “I’ll have a Coke.”
The Mexican says, “I would like to return to Mexico and live in peace and prosperity with my people.” Poof, he disappears and his wish is granted.
The African American says, “I would like to return to Africa and live in peace and prosperity with my people.” Poof, he disappears and his wish is granted.
The Jew says, “I would like to return to Israel and live in peace and prosperity with my people.” Poof, he disappears and his wish is granted.
The KKK member, having seen what happened, looks at the Genie and says, “I’ll have a Coke.”
Alright, here’s a trivia question: what were the names of the head shop and record store that shared an entrance, on College Avenue?
That brings back a lot of fond memories. We played Licensed to Ill until it wore out.
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